Journal, March 2: The Out Breath

settling back into a rhythm, of sorts, even if it’s not the one i wanted. the rhythm goes like this:

6/6:30 wake and have tea, write in paper journal, read 15m of news + get lost online
7/7:30 walk with the dog before school drop-off traffic, wishing for sunshine
8/8:30 pretend not to be offended when no one sits with me to eat brekkie
9 prep for the day + do a few household tasks
10:30 see the kids again (they’ve been online) + plan the day
12ish family lunch with g, on his work break, then walk with him afterwards
1/1:30 the kids + i go do the thing(s) we planned earlier
4 til dinner: i am alone, after providing snacks, to do my own thing

the thing is, i don’t always want to do my own thing. if we went out for the day, sure. if we didn’t, if we lingered mostly indoors and worked on a project, or listened to books, then sometimes i am too bored to do my own thing.

when i am bored, the draw of electronics proves too strong. i’ve gotten into a video game that i bought for wilder, my 11yo, called northgard. it’s a viking takeover game, and i babysit a pile of vikings, giving them jobs until they produce enough food or coin for me to venture outward. it’s the first game i’ve ever played this much, and that’s saying a lot considering everyone around me played nintendo my whole life. but i wonder if i’m really homeschooling vikings out of sadness, like they’re the next best thing.

i’m not focused on any particular project, not working on my “next” anything. i am sitting, breathing, and playing. mostly i am not okay with that. the problem comes when i think about it afterward and it feels like wasted time. i’m trying really hard not to judge myself, the same way i try hard not to judge my kids for doing the same. when is time really wasted? what if all i’m doing is a long, slow out breath, the next step in my nostalgic mourning of our planned and beautiful homeschool day? shouldn’t i give myself that? yes, i keep saying. just…yes.

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