Journal, August 29: This Time of Year

oh man, this time of year, when everyone’s packing their kids off to school, i am so happy to be free! it’s gorgeous outside + i can spend all day, most days, roaming the trails, or creekside, or swimming, or camping. what a life! i feel joyous that i can use this time differently in an uncrowded, quiet way.

i get all kinds of energy from the cool morning air. and maybe it’s because we’ve wrapped up another season of Alone that i am extra wired for being in the woods, but my tendency is to always go toward trees + deep into water.

we’ve met other homeschool friends along creeks in the fall. it’s my opinion that the best kind of people are out, doing these free, outdoor things in the fresh air, falling in love with homeschooling again, because that is what our free time is for: enjoyment.

for a while now, i’ve thought about starting a company that offers weekend hikes to mamas in particular. i’d want it to be cheap, because everyone deserves to wander trails with affirming, positive people, but enough money to motivate me to continue setting it up, showing up in all the weathers, trying.

it’s just that… i am so tired of my computer-heavy job. not writing – graphic design. gah, i feel so annoyed at myself for saying it because it’s good money! and i say that to myself every single time, but it doesn’t dredge up any love from my mouse-shaped hand, my screen-crossed eyes. it’s become so dull that i dread it. i’m not just saying that because it’s fall and i’d rather be outdoors. it’s been true for years. what i also haven’t dredged up is the courage to leave the cash + follow my heart.

while my heart sings at the idea of writing for a living. every job i get requires total dedication, a firm sense of direction toward the client’s unique audience + new deadlines. the pay for all of this is very, very low (-325% of what i currently make doing graphic design). alas, i cannot convince my practical side to leap at this risk.

if anyone knows an interested book agent, i have multiple full-length novels to sell and a memoir, plus a handful of picture books. i can be remarkably prolific on my own, but it’s just not profitable as my lone focus.

so take me outside, where i can fling my frustrations into the wind that dries the sweat on my face and darkens my freckles. sunshine feels like forgiveness + water like a clean slate. is it any wonder i’m out there?

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