Journal, November 22: I’m Doing It Wrong

daily i’m reminded that my unschooling family doesn’t look like the ones on instagram, or any of the other blogs. lately it looks like two tweens jostling each other in hallways, complaining about each other’s bathroom use, and STILL asking me for snacks. i’m going to wallow a bit, if you’ll excuse me.

i am trying to breathe through this discomfort + my absolute, stark sadness that my intentions + vision for this life aren’t manifesting. i desperately miss that messy homeschool table covered with projects in progress that aren’t all mine! whipping through book after book while toys multiplied across the carpets. all the re-arranging so we could eat when the surfaces were coated with stuff. even tho i hated packing lunches + wondering who would show up, i miss the winter angle of the sun on my face, the different terrains of our nature play areas. i miss the wonder on my kids’ faces as we explored new parks or rediscovered old ones. i miss struggling up hills, amid loud complaints, only to reach the vista + see them sprint off to look at something new.

daily now i struggle with freedom v control. i want to throw away our wifi.

my kids are deep into a screen phase. the oldest is lost to gaming, his YouTube videos playing loudly alongside him. the younger one spreads her love equally between YouTube and Roblox, getting off only for sustenance + bathroom breaks.

i’m living without much connection, and it feels sad, lonely over here. also: scary.

last night i cried myself to sleep over my unmet expectations. some of them needed crying over. they’re dumb, out of touch, + deserving a merciless death. but these other ones? i still want them.

how much of this life is up to me to control, or position us toward or away? i’ve struggled with screens during this whole parenting gig, + everyone is tired of my waffling. but is that access mine to gift or remove? does removing it help to push my agenda into the spotlight + manifest it? or just leave space for something else, possibly something new?

i got to choose how we spent their baby- and toddlerhoods. we were outside all the time, rotating parks/playgrounds/trails. but i don’t miss it because i chose it. it was actually hard! hard to prepare. hard to find a window of time for. hard to discover new spaces nearby. the weather + the clothes! but i miss being outside with them in a new space, looking around with wonder. i mourn this chapter being over because i see their connection with me, with each other, straining. we just don’t spend the same time together. is our wonder + discovery phase together dead?

tears wait behind my eyes, because the sadness isn’t over. i don’t know how to move around this one, only through. no answers yet.

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