Journal, May 19: The Rub

i’ve always felt admirably calm in crises. trained in first aid + cpr, i handled my own kid’s ER trips with urgency + an unruffled air, despite pooling blood or a backward arm. but how i fell apart then – both slowly depleting as i read read read plus the immediate surfeit of fear + dread – felt new. sorrowful. and its been difficult to creep back from its many edges.

Journal, May 2: Settling

i have read myself into a frenzy of “should” and “need to” and “why am i not,” and i’ve realized that it’s because i haven’t given myself any down time to process the input. a continuous diet of new fare does not result in an automatic new life; it results in discomfort, and a bit of mental crises, honestly.

Natural Beauty + Aging

In retrospect, it felt like nobody wanted to see the real me anyway and were grateful I’d covered her up. Aside from the topical beauty aesthetic, I have trouble with taking the mental space to deal with this fake life. It takes longer, more energy to work for the ever-changing outsider opinion.