Journal, May 19: The Rub

i’ve always felt admirably calm in crises. trained in first aid + cpr, i handled my own kid’s ER trips with urgency + an unruffled air, despite pooling blood or a backward arm. but how i fell apart then – both slowly depleting as i read read read plus the immediate surfeit of fear + dread – felt new. sorrowful. and its been difficult to creep back from its many edges.

Journal, May 2: Settling

i have read myself into a frenzy of “should” and “need to” and “why am i not,” and i’ve realized that it’s because i haven’t given myself any down time to process the input. a continuous diet of new fare does not result in an automatic new life; it results in discomfort, and a bit of mental crises, honestly.

Journal, March 2: The Out Breath

the thing is, i don’t always want to do my own thing. if we went out for the day, sure. if we didn’t, if we lingered mostly indoors and worked on a project, or listened to books, then sometimes i am too bored to do my own thing.

Be the YES

If I was saying no to the candy while we grocery shopped, no to the terrible toys at Target, no to most of our friends’ kids’ birthday parties, I had some clear boundaries. Declining things didn’t bother me. I was raised in a world of nos. I needed to learn how to yes.

Journal, February 21: Discomfort Season

most of me has been waiting for a return to our former life, and it’s not coming.

A Funeral for Ginger

And yes, I am currently writing about this in January because the grieving process, left alone, is a meandering one. I’ve grieved people and pets aplenty, but not without having to pretend, to play-act my life.

COVID Journal: An Experience

I don’t know what it’s like for everyone to have COVID, only for me, and our family. This is our COVID diary. You’re welcome?

Natural Beauty + Aging

In retrospect, it felt like nobody wanted to see the real me anyway and were grateful I’d covered her up. Aside from the topical beauty aesthetic, I have trouble with taking the mental space to deal with this fake life. It takes longer, more energy to work for the ever-changing outsider opinion.

Journal, December 11: Magic Crafting

you see, i do have intentions. i do have expectations. i am the crafter of magic around here + that needs some planning.